About your smile

-


I am always thinking about your smile. Recreating the corners of your mouth, the crinkles around your eyes. Your memory comes and plays on loop in my head and I leave my heart in places in middle of the things. Every chance encounter, every change you had, you walked by, you are the only thing I see and yet you are only thing in my life that I didn’t see coming.
The stillness that night was just the sky holding its breath for us. That late night when I was walking by your side, you were walking right next to me, I thought that one day maybe I will write about this. I laughed within myself. Wild tansies grew in my chest and it was just a way for my heart to say that look here, I acknowledge how different I am feeling.
So, may be 10 years from now we run into each other and I know we will, I will say that you know I only met you today, but I have been in love with you since yesterday. Words are the most dangerous weapons we have or the sweetest fondest cupcakes. Only second to our hearts.
But I have a dilemma. How do I tell one feeling apart from the other when all I know is, there is no symmetry to loss? If I could predict my grief, if I could see you are leaving, could I do things differently.



Lately every time I see a sunset I catch myself thinking of you. When the colors are melting, flowers huddling over each other. Maybe I want to look at your face instead of all those things.

Sometimes I listen to punk music when I get no answers and all my poems about you break into two. I replay your smile and there is a word in Urdu for my heart “barbaad”. I hated becoming vulnerable in my life but then as I drew towards you more and more I could not continue that charade anymore. I feared feeling things because I was afraid what might happen next. I was tired of new beginnings because I was terribly scared of the endings. So, I wore my heart on my sleeve and letting my guards down and fell hopelessly in love with you. Even if it means getting hurt and crying. All I believe is that you are hopelessly in love or not at all in love.
I wish I could tell you all this, but I am writing this instead.
And I hope that's okay.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

हमसफ़र

-
Image
 मेरे हमजोलिया मेरे बिछड़े हमसफ़र  कुछ ऐसे नाम लेके ये जहाँ मुझे छेड़ते सब यहाँ  किसे करूँ शिकायत ,किसे करू ये बयान  अब में जाऊ कहा  कभी मुस्कुराते हैं कभी सिमट जातें हैं   इस जहाँ की बातों पर और अपने जज़्बातो पर  तुम बस जल्दी आ जाओ  सावन गया ,  पतझड़ भी जाने को है  कुछ यहाँ कुछ वहां  कितने खुशनसीब हैं वो कान जो तेरी खैर रोज सुनते होंगे  कितने खुशनसीब है वो ऑंखें जो तेरा दीदार करती होगी  तेरे नाम लेकर लोग मेरा दिल जलाते हैं मेरा  आखिर कब होगा वो सवेरा जब तू  हाथ  थमेगा मेरा 
Read more

Resurrection

-
Before I begin, I would want to tell you that writing or saying this makes me feel very scared. I always had this strange fear that If I write about good things, If I put my happiness in words and make it concrete, then it can be taken away from me, But as a writer of all things sad and dismal, I owe this one to you. So here it goes; I was a person who never cherished life, like the one where everyone is supposed to be grateful when nothing is wrong in their life, Past few months I was lost in a blur. One minute I was flying to a new location to do this or that, one minute I was working like a machine to get rid of all thoughts I create. I walked into the streets, I got failure and breaking points but all of this mattered and didn’t matter in the end too. Life took dramatic twists, and you can call it an unbecoming of all sorts. And this time I let it in, felt it, without fighting back too much. And this has let me write this on a grey winter afternoon at home, under a bare blue sky....
Read more