Conversations

I hate writing in long pieces, as I am an amateur so, to write well, I must feel it well, to write pain I feel pain in extreme, to write happiness I must feel profound happiness. And then it comes to me very naturally.  When I write, it’s not logical, it’s just my heart pouring out and just my soul surfing around.

So, to start with……

I painted my skin,

Before wearing it.

I stitched my pains,

I hitched my veins,

I glued my smiles,

I wrote all the words you said,

Scripted and Unscripted rage,

Chewed and bitten,

I am my own adventure and I am the adventurer,

I am a lost path and now I am a wanderer.

A conversation which is left incomplete, there was a conversation which sort of never started and never ended. It just kept hanging in front of my eyes, making me feel how hollow I am. It subsided in my hollowness, broken expectations, raptured self-respect. The conversation makes me feel toxic, unvalued, worthless and useless.

There are words I said- I would regret. There are words people said, they would regret. I did everything to restore peace, I gazed skies, I let the wind cut me, let someone shout at me, I shouted. Nothing happened. Nothing worked.

I am a very ordinary person who is struggling so I don’t have frankly any achievements so far. But there is one thing about myself that I really appreciate- that is my integrity. I have ethics and I always go by them, I am nothing if not a woman of my words. I have learned just one thing about people- you can forget what they were wearing, you can forget what they said but you can never forget how they made you feel.

It’s been few days, I feel like a clingy and unvalued person. I have big dreams in life. And I know what I am worth and capable of, so settling for something less, is not something I am going to do.

I have learnt few things about people that a person who wants to hold on to you would do no matter what and a person who wants to leave would leave no matter what. You can be the most beautiful, most forgiving, most enchanting, even if you give you 100% its always a two-sided thing.

You can’t captivate interest of someone for long. And if it is just interest it’s not love. You can tolerate someone’s’ bad behavior and call its your love. Its not. You are fighting battles that you have lost already.

We are raised in such a way that we feel that love is just ecstasy. It’s not merely that. I have black side, you too have, everyone does. How do we hold on to that? I can have people around me when I am happy, but nobody wants to be around someone who nags who is sad and negative. If you accept someone just in their good days, are you sure it’s love?

I don’t know what we are going through- I hope it makes sense one day.

I have never seen something stronger than a human heart which shatters over and over and still lives. I just hope that the light of the ways remains with me, because one never knows when the dawn of the life arrives.

I try to remain positive amidst everything that goes on and happens in life. I am an outcome of all the good and bad decisions, words and people who have come and touched upon my life. And I have realized that life is too short for grudges, hard feelings. It only damages you. Moving on is not easy. But what comes easy?  One wise person, a very old man of letters told me one fine day, I was in a library, with “Ghalib” in my hand and he happened to be reading something of a similar resort  and a conversation started. He told me one thing that “Acceptance is the key”. You can’t move, help, change someone who doesn’t want to do the respective action. You can always play your part. You can be the wiser one. The world needs more people who are kind, understanding and true to their values. Nobody has heard your complete story, they have no right to validate and same goes for you. You met someone at the age of 30, you know that person then but that person has moved 30 chapters and each chapter would have left something in his head, his mind, his heart. Acceptance comes for all of it.  Its’ just that you should know your worth and vouch for everything that you found is worthy enough.